| Wow. It's almost been a year since I've updated this thing. I didn't realize that some people still use xanga... Well, it's 11:30pm on the last day of winter break, and I don't really have anything better to do, so I guess I'll do a little recap of where I left off... Life's changed.. a lot. Things aren't quite the same as they used to be; people are completely different; I've totally changed. The weird thing is, I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Either way, there's not much to do to alter that fact. It sounds really lame, but I was sitting here for almost an hour re-reading old entries I wrote in my "youth" (a.k.a. 10th grade). Good times, seriously. Strangely, I feel like I was a lot wiser, nicer, and happier back then. Weird. Not to say I'm none of those now... The standards are just different now, I guess. Those days, just two years ago, were so happy and carefree. Now it's stressful and confusing. But, it has definitely gotten better. I guess I'll take up this space on the world wide web to just say sorry for the dumb things I have done/said to any/all of you guys. I had some type of metamorphosis during the summer of sophomore/junior year, and I didn't realize it til after junior year was over. I feel like I wasted a year on miscommunications, poor decisions, and wrong perspectives. Sadly, time isn't something you can reclaim. However, it is something you can make the best of in the future. Which leads me to my next point... Seniors, we are graduating. Can you guys believe it??? Weird. It seriously feels like yesterday when we were still 13 and excited about becoming teenagers.. Now we're all about to hit 18: adulthood. I can't fully grasp the fact that time has gone by so fast... Yeah, we've only experienced 18 years of our 60/70/80+ year lives, so we haven't even experienced a third of our lives yet. Still, we've come such a long way from when we used to sit and watch Ninja Turtles, Power Rangers, and Goosebumps. I can remember every little detail of my favorite Barbie doll. I can still remember the smell of a cool night in Panama City two summers ago...... Change happened. I was reading one of my previous entries (yeah, you guys can't see any because they're all set as 'private') and people were commenting on how change can be a good thing. I agree. But it can also be bad sometimes. But when the bad changes happen, all we can do it create more change to mold it back into an acceptable thing. No doubt I caused a lot of changes in people's lives and in my own, but only through recognition of those things and putting an effort to fix/improve things have they gotten better... Yeah, things won't ever be exactly the same as they used to be: we won't have P. Che as our pastor again, we won't have the same relationships we used to have with some people, and we won't have the same innocence and naivety that we so easily overlooked back then. I refused to believe all that til I finally experienced life through utter agony and alienation. But now I know and am, to a certain extent, embarassed of who I had become. Don't get the wrong idea. I'm not, by any means, a pessimistic person. There's hope in the future, and it's definitely a bright one. It's just that reminiscing on the past through hand-written notes and online posts brings back a lot of memories of my past self. Two years does a lot to you. And a summer can do even more. I did change, in some ways for the better but in a lot of ways for the worse. But I want all you guys to know, you have all been faithful people... You were the best boyfriend and best friends I could have asked for. But, regardless, I turned my back to all of you and walked away. I took another route that led me to the separation from all of you guys, you guys who have become a family while I was gone... And, yeah, during the time I fell away from you, I fell into things I probably should not have fallen into. Yeah, I made a lot of mistakes on the way. Yeah, I won't ever be the same bubbly, naive Julia that I used to be. It's truly been a struggle with myself to accept those hard facts of life. I'm hard on myself for all the things I've done. But I hope that in some way you guys will understand and still love me. I'm truly sorry for everything bad I've done. And (some people have mentioned this to me...) if I ever give off the sense that I think I'm too good for you, I don't think that at all. I've just been living a different life than I used to, mingling with different people, thinking different thoughts. I can't say I've done all I can to make it up to you guys, but that's part of the person I've become. I used to be the person who brought joy to people's days, but now that only happens occasionally. I really wish it weren't so... But just know, to this day, the love I had for you guys never faded. I may have acted differently towards you, but the same care and affection remains and will remain in my heart for you all, whether or not you can see or want to believe it. I love you. Really, I do. I'm sorry if this brings back memories that you wished to forget, or if it makes you want to slap me for being overly apologetic, or if it annoys you that it's so repetitive and unnecessarily long... It's just that I haven't spoken to a lot of you in forever, and I don't want you to think I'm not even close to the person I used to be. Yes, I've made countless errors, taken wrong paths, and broken many people's hearts, but I'm really trying to find my way back home. Please just be patient with me... It's harder for me to come back than you think.... |
